it just is......

i've got that knot in my stomach again. alyssa and ian decided to stay over a few days. of course, we were thrilled! didn't have to say goodbye quite so soon. they went to austin to visit chris and jenny and we got to keep liam! we went to look at christmas lights last night and it was spectacular! he has had a cold so we've been laying low during the day.

but the know, i know, comes from the anticipation of them leaving. this holiday season was so different and sad for us. there is a part of me who wants to keep them here - keep alyssa here and take care of her and ian and liam and i guess avoid the return for them to reality. for i know when they return home to albuquerque and all the holiday distractions and busyness comes to an abrupt halt, it will be so much harder. i can remember every holiday season feeling a letdown during the month of january. the end of this january we were all looking forward to welcoming a new member of the family and it is not to be. it will be that much harder for her.

i am so grateful that alyssa has good friends who will walk right beside her and hold her hand and cry and laugh with her. i know they will take care of her and liam, especially if ian goes back on the road. i am so grateful that she has a church family who is praying for her and a bible study that consists of a group of young women who will pray her forward. i know it is oh so hard watching friends and family members approach due dates with their own pregnancies; while she doesn't at all deny them the joy of a new baby, it is still extremely difficult to observe and remember and long for.

i also know that i can't keep her here because she has to return to life; she has to return to being a wife to ian and a mother to liam. she has to return to changing the cat litter and potty-training a strong-willed three year-old. she has to return to long days with lots of hours to think. i pray that she finds comfort in her faith. i pray that her friends don't neglect her and don't assume that all is well so quickly. i pray that she finds something worthwhile and positive to do with the empty days; i pray that sleep comes to her more easily as time goes on. i pray that she doesn't give up hope and that the doctors will find ways to encourage her and even acknowledge that down the road not too far there is a possibility of another baby.

i HAVE to pray for my daughter; i always have. i can't let her down. and what i've come to understand is that i have always prayed for God's will to be done even if it is not OUR will. now that we have experienced such a deep wound, even though i still have questions and confusion, i guess i can't question His will. we just can't know why it is what it is. it just is.

i pray for such healing for her. on my knees i ask God to surprise her with His grace.