"deliver me and fill my spirit..."

so, sorry for the momentary lapse into political cynicism. i really thought she would lose the new hampshire primary. but guess what, right now, all of that which used to catch my attention and hold me captive to CNN seems rather meaningless.

i have so many thoughts going around in my head right now. i am so fortunate to have very good friends, 3 of whom were willing to sit with me for 3 hours on two different occasions and discuss theology, spirituality, churchianity, heaven, etc. and etc.

i mentioned that i feel so unprotected now. and then i think to myself, why did i EVER feel protected? why did i think our family was immune from tragedy? is it because i have always prayed expectantly? is it because as i prayed for safe travel for our kids when they were in college or living across the country there has never been an incident? is it because as i prayed for comfort and peace for a family member or friend it ALWAYS seemed to be delivered? is it because i prayed with a faithful, believing spirit and then went about my business, letting God just work on it? when my kids needed prayer during particularly stressful times, i always told them "i'll pray HARD". did i not pray HARD enough this time?

our entire family has been praying for this baby. because our daughter experienced a partial abruption with her first, Liam now 3, this time we just simply prayed BELIEVING that everything would work out. the thought NEVER entered my mind that it would turn out like it has. we watched alyssa be so careful and her sweet husband take SUCH GOOD CARE OF HER - doting on her and making sure she didn't neglect any part of her physical or emotional health during the pregnancy.

so, have our prayers been offered in the wrong spirit? have we been arrogant in our belief? naive in our expectations? while we know that suffering is dealt to believers and non-believers. good people and bad people. faithful and not so faithful. and i really do understand now that our suffering really does make us perfect in Him - and that He suffers with us and that our how we deal with our suffering will either glorify Him (for which He will be pleased) or that we will just muddle through (for which He will be sad) and that we are called to share His suffering by suffering ourselves......

.....and so on and so on. I KNOW THESE THINGS.

.....what we can't EVER know is why. we can't know why one family gets to experience the joy and excitement of a new baby while our daughter and her family grieves their sweet little girl. we can't know why blogspot after blogspot celebrates the arrival of a healthy little one with a joyful "we have prayed for this baby" and "You answered our prayers" while other sites offer evidence of the same intense prayer and hope for miracles only to be allowed only minutes or hours with their babies before they return to the arms of Jesus.

.....one of Alyssa's friends visited me at church today. she and alyssa shared the same due date. her first child is almost 2 and is developmentally delayed due to contracting meningitis during her birth. the baby that she is carrying now is such a blessing and will bring so much joy to this family. when she approached me we both began to cry. tears for sydney grace who will only know Heaven as her home. tears for sweet ella who struggles to keep up with other toddlers who are doing things so much quicker than she is able. tears for little william who will be here in two weeks. and tears for alyssa whose heart is broken but who desperatly wants to feel joy for her friend. and tears for andrea who feels so much joy for the baby who is almost here but whose heart is hurting for alyssa.

i just read a comment from a young mother who lost her baby several months ago; i've followed their story even before the baby was born. i can't do her recent post justice by trying to paraphrase it or extract pieces of it. please go to this site and read it for yourself. it is powerful. it is amazing. and it gives me such hope for my daughter. thank you boothe.

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/