..........

i cried for sydney grace today......

"losing your life" (from the o'brien family)

read these words of a woman who lost a newbornbaby last year. she counseled ANOTHER grieving mother: "Your son has given you an incredible gift," I told this grieving mom. "He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams. But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus."

now go to her blog and read the november 14th post. it is uplifting!

http://obrienfamily2008.blogspot.com/

testing 1.2.3.....

hope in Him. not in circumstances..............

hope differently.............................................

hope differently.............................................

hope differently.....

kind of ironic. but not so. my turn to teach yesterday. the lesson was about....hope. hmm....

so the angel comes to mary and tells her she is pregnant with the messiah. we talked about engagements and weddings. all the planning and scheduling. the jewish traditions in biblical times. i even brought my engagement notice that was in the local newspaper 37 years ago - complete with 70's poofy hair-flip. we all agreed that mary's life took an unexpected turn. was she giddy with excitement - jumping for joy? did people come up and high-five her and slap her on the back and say "so, YOU'RE the one pregnant with the messiah? way to go, mary!". hardly.

and what was mary's response? "i'm your servant, Lord."

even though mary's plans changed drastically - even though everything about her life and the direction it was going to take was completely out of her control - her response was "i'm your servant, Lord". basically, the lesson was about mary exchanging her hopes and expectations for hope in HIM. i asked the students if they had had disappointing christmases - christmases when their hopes and expectations were not met. i expected and got a couple of typical responses. "i ran downstairs and saw a bicycle and was so excited until i was told it wasn't for me but for my sister" or "i desperately wanted a motorized pink barbie car but my mom told me it wouldn't fit down the chimney. then i went outside and the little girl who lived next door had a barbie car that fit down HER chimney!"

but the first response came from a young lady who, in a strong voice, told us that one christmas a few years back she found out on christmas day that her father, who lived in another state, had died 2 days before. her mother had kept it from her and her sister but when they begged to call him after opening presents, their mom broke the news to them. talk about unmet expectations.

i thought about some of my own 'barbie cars" and "bicycles". my hopes had always been that our adult children would live in the same town and grandchildren would have weekly sleepovers at our house and go to the same church and can you say "goodnight, johnboy"? my expectations recently had been that my adult children would continue to be interested in any little jewel of conversation i would toss out, that they would desperately covet the opportunity to view MY travel pictures, and that they would continue to revel in late-night talks about sports, politics and just life in general. after keeping our one and two-year-old granddaughters during this thanksgiving i came to the sudden realization that THEIR focus could not/should not be ME! imagine! they are tired, but happy, and parenting and working requires all the energy and attention that they can muster 24/7.

so, as the lesson progressed and i glanced at the clock to make sure we finshed up in a timely manner, i casually called attention to the calendar date and the fact that it was the one year anniversary of.......

the students sat silently, waiting, curious as my voice shook and my eyes watered. not planned. totally caught off-guard. this new group of students WAS not aware of the last year's struggles and, while i didn't want to belabor our own situation, i thought it was relevant enough to touch on. i told the story briefly and then, with a passion i have never recognized, i pounded my fist on the podium and in a strong voice asked the students if they were ready to "exchange" any hope they had in their life for hope in HIM. exchanging hope for a desired christmas present paled in comparison to exchanging hope for healing cancer in a parent, hope for a call from an estranged father or even hope for an uneventful pregnancy, a safe delivery and a healthy baby. hope in something/Someone BIGGER rather than hope in their circumstances.

the curriculum itself spelled out the main points. pertinent scripture was assigned and read by willing students. i researched and contributed relevant information about biblical jewish customs and traditions. and i was in awe throughout the sunday school hour that God knew that i would be teaching this lesson on this particular sunday even after a tiring week with babies and a melancholy goodbye early that very morning as my son and his family backed out of the driveway and headed home.

i had so hoped to be with alyssa on this particular day. but it didn't work out that way. God.

after the sunday school hour, in "big church" as i knealt at the altar as close to the LOUD, powerful worship music as i could get and prayed for alyssa and the students in my class i got it. i taught it and i got it.

exchange your hopes for hopes in Him. hope differently.

some things change....a repeat post....

i haven't written in a while. it's been hard. i've come to my blog often in the last month. i think about things i want to say and then just put it away for another day. i don't know how to put it all into words. i read other blogs; not as often as before. just an occasional check-in. lives are changing. good things and not so good things. life goes on.

one thing i notice is that most of the comments on these blogs are from friends - not grandmothers or mother-in-laws or mothers. i wonder if these family members share their thoughts and offer encouragement through emails or chatty phone calls. i wonder if they are successful in being a rock - a constant source of strength - for their son or daughter or grandchild who is wading through a crisis. or do they find themselves speechless. silently prayerful but lacking words to offer?

our church is doing a program called "40 days of prayer". my "fast" during this time is from the radio in my car. it is amazing that the minute i get in the car to go to work or climb in the car to come home after work the first thing i do is reach for the radio power button. i've been driving in silence. and i begin to pray. i pray for friends and friends of friends but my thoughts always wander back to my daughter. it is a sad confession on my part that i believe the radio and television and internet has protected me from dwelling on her situation and from thinking about her as often as i might.

the doctors say it is okay for them to try again. he says the outcome might be the same as it was with sydney grace. he "says" he can take care of her but they must be prepared for the possibility of another abruption and loss. i can't allow myself to think about what might be so i try not to think at all. i worry about her health and safety - i worry about that GREATLY. i worry about her mental state if she looses another baby. and i find that when these thoughts enter my mind, i just try so very hard to block them out.

i read her blog and love the life she has with her friends and church family. she is truly blessed. liam has a world full of close little friends with whom he shares birthdays, holidays, traditions and happy times. so i can't quite understand why it makes me a little sad unless it is that i miss her and him and being able to share those things and that life.

as our pastor preaches about prayer he reminds us that we are to pray TO the Father, IN the name of His Son, and with the GUIDANCE of the Holy Spirit. i am trying to understand why we aren't to view God as a prosperity Father - one who simply gives us what we ask for even though He says to ask and he will give. i don't want to pray in MY name for what I want - our pastor says we often do just that. if i were to do that this is what MY prayer would look like:

please let my daughter get pregnant again and have an uneventful pregnancy. i might even ask that she NOT have gestational diabetes and NOT have gestational hypertension and NOT have an abruption. i would ask for an easy delivery and a healthy baby. (i might even ask for a girl although sydney grace was the first girl in the byrd family in 60 years- is that really correct?). oh, and while you're at it, make their financial situation stress-free and stable as well.

so, in praying for those things, i am praying for what I WANT and in MY name. it is SO hard for me to pray for God's will to be done. because i can't understand why His will should be so different than mine. after all, the things I WANT for her aren't bad things, right? when our kids were driving back and forth from college i prayed mightily for their safety while on the highway. and lo and behold! they ALWAYS made it safely home! just because of my prayers! wow, certainly was making myself BIGGER than God, wasn't I? naive of me.

so i still struggle with prayer - and while i know God is always in our presence and that through prayer he wants us to be in HIS presence - i still have a hard time understanding prayer. why do i feel LESS protected? as i leave for bulgaria for 10 days, i am more fearful. my husband said at the prayer hour this morning the men were to pray for their wives. he emailed me today from work and said "so your trip is covered." sweet BUT....only if it is God's will.

the year anniversary is approaching for her. i know it will be difficult. i KNOW it will. it is so strange that as her mother, it is as if i am waiting for that phone call again. the call that a baby will be here shortly. then barely an hour later the call that shattered their lives. remembering those dark, bleak days, i am praying that God miraculously gives them peace and calm as november 30th approaches. i am anticipating it and praying for her and i wish i could be with her and i wish i had the words and the knowledge and the right thing to say - i wish i could carve pumpkins with her and liam and do all those things that make life seem normal - hours full of laughter and joking - things that make you forget for just a few minutes.

as i read emily's blog and rachel's blog and angie's blog and sumi's blog and all the others i am aware that it is their friends who have the right words and the special comments that are so so helpful to these young women who are struggling - these women who, themselves, have such a positive outlook in the midst of their struggles. a friend of mine told me that i just have to consider that they are speaking FOR me - at a time when i don't have the words.

i don't know the relationship these women have with their mothers. i don't know if theirs is an in-and-out-of-town relationship like ours or if there is a constant - an every day connection that is a source of comfort and strength. i guess i just have to realize that God knows my heart and the Holy Spirit is evidenced in the tears that spill down my face on the altar on sunday mornings and that is all i can offer.

i wish it was more.

thinking of her always.....

Little One, Hold My Hand
for Sydney Grace

Little one, hold my hand.
Show me all the wonders that you see;
Help me feel His loving touch,
Lead me gently to His feet;

Little one, hold my hand,
Guide me as I seek to learn
How to do what He wants of me;
Be my sweet angel leading me.

Little one, hold my hand,
Come at night and whisper in my ear
Of the glorious things that you now know,
Safely resting in His arms..

Little one, hold my hand.
Sit beside me as I weep;
Dry my tears with gentle breath,
A breeze that softly touches cheek.

Little one, hold my hand,
Angel fingers entwined in mine;
Pull me gently closer still
To live in Him in every hour.

Little one, hold my hand,
He will help you teach me how
To be a better person now,
Change me with His love you bring.

Little one, hold my hand,
I need to feel your presence here;
I'll try not to hold too tight,
For I know I'm not the only one.

Little one, hold my hand,
Snuggle with me in my dreams
And sing a joyful song to me;
I'll listen and i'll sing with you.

Little one, hold my hand,
Until the day when I come home
And then we'll dance and never tire
And play at Jesus feet again.

going to bulgaria in october. it can't come soon enough!

loopiness......

i feel somewhat estranged. disconnected. out of the loop. but the loop isn't mine. is this normal? it is kinda hard. well, not kinda. more than kinda.....

from the mouths of babes.....

http://candleatbothends.blogspot.com/

for a laugh to lighten your spirits, check out this somewhat sometimes delightfully irreverant but always inspiring blogsite. today's entry from the writer's son:

"i think we are in God's toilet."

deep theology that makes sense to me.

my chains are gone...

where do i start. it is hard to collect my thoughts and convey what took place at our student ministry youth camp. yes, i still work with the youth and joke that they'll have to run me off when i'm in my wheelchair dragging my oxygen tank across the sand.

lately i've wondered about my effectiveness; even though i'm not the stereotypical fifty-something church lady i don't want to overstay my welcome. i love the energy and the passion of students and have a heart for teaching them how to live Godly lives and honor Him in the choices they make. i also want them to know unconditional love as they sometimes make not so good choices.


this year i was asked to lead a breakout session by offering "my story" along with several other leaders. the day we were to leave to camp i confessed to our student pastor that i wasn't sure i could do it. i was so confused as to what was expected of me as a leader in telling my current story of pain, confusion, questions and anger. i was convinced just 30 minutes before we left that this camp was to be one of honesty, openness and authenticity. i was told it was important for our students to realize that suffering and questions are not unique to the young - we all face difficulties and pain in all stages of life. and it was necessary for them to hear the truth from the adults that lead them - the truth that includes amazing grace.



around 60 students were assigned to my group throughout the week. on the first day i was nervous and anxious about how i could possibly get through my story - the story of alyssa and sydney grace. but i prayed and i was given a peace about what i was to say and was assured that my words would be meaningful and would be heard.



these are the words of the email i sent our student pastor after we returned from camp and best explain what i experienced:



"i appreciate your encouragement of me on sunday before we left; i never want camp or any student event to be about the leaders but it was apparent that God used each of us to show openness and vulerability and reflect the grace that God gives each of us. amazingly, my story changed each day - not the details but what i was learning and could share. i felt layers being peeled away by God as i shared - it never occurred to me that that would happen. i thought that He would use me to reach the students - and throughout He was reaching me as well. in my last session i told the students that during worship the night before, i realized in the middle of worship that i was worshipping with JOY for the first time since nov 30th. that i had been worshipping every sunday faithfully but through gritted teeth and clinched fists - obedient to God but reluctant because of pain and confusion. the words i was speaking to the students during camp became more than words and it was a healing process for me as well. "



one of the leaders who attended my breakout session with students came to me one evening and said she had been angry and frustrated since the death of one of our students last year - a fifteen year old boy who was her son's best friend. she said for months she couldn't open her bible and she couldn't pray. finally a friend of hers laid it on the line: she said "you HAVE to open your bible and READ. and you HAVE to pray. even if you don't feel like it. if you don't do these things you will not hear Him or feel His presence. if you do these things, you will know His presence and He will begin to fill you back up." i shared this with the students because i know it to be true.



all of our teacher-led breakout sessions were raw and real. i saw more students open up and show vulnerability and honesty than ever before. i heard confession after tearful confession. i saw unconditional love and acceptance from one student to another. i saw and participated in passionate worship like i've never experienced before in the ten years i've been attending youth camp. almost every student said the same thing. our camp speaker did not mince words and was authentic from the first night of camp - no "building up to the last night" - he began camp on the same high note on which he ended camp.



i shared with alyssa that sydney grace's story had impacted many of the youth in our student ministry. but the most amazing and freeing thing that happened was the way i was released from my own pain by publically and openly sharing my story - harder than blogging but more healing face to face. God truly used me to share Sydney's story with students who suffer through divorce, death and depression. But He knew all along that as my story changed a little each day, He was changing me.



the song that has become the mantra of this year's camp is the rendition of Amazing Grace that includes the chorus "my chains are gone, i've been set free, my God, my Savior, has ransonmed me...and like a flood His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace."





Amazing. Grace.

a mother's heart....

alyssa's appointment with another high-risk obstetrician is tomorrow at 9:00am mountain time. this doctor has reviewed all records from her pregnancy, abruption and delivery of liam as well as her records regarding her second abruption and sydney's stillbirth. statistics indicate that after one abruption, chances are high that another abruption will occur; after a second abruption. the chances are even higher.

alyssa is obviously very anxious; the doctor could recommend that she NOT get pregnant again or she could indicate that it is okay to try again. getting pregnant again would bring with it the almost certain possibility of another abruption and possibly the loss of another baby. in effect, getting the "go ahead" brings with it major decisions and more fears and anxiety. she experienced an emergency situation with liam's delivery and thankfully, he made it. my very uneducated guess is that if she does get pregnant again, she will either be put on bedrest starting the second trimester or even hospitalized as a precaution.

PLEASE pray for alyssa and ian tomorrow. pray that God would give them a good nights rest tonight and that He would give alyssa a peace about the meeting. pray for the wisdom of this doctor and that she would be clear and concise in her explanation and recommendation. pray for alyssa's anxiety to subside and for her to be able to hear and accept whatever the doctor tells her. please pray that somehow, whatever the news is, that alyssa will know in her heart that He will not abandon her and that He will walk with her wherever the path takes her.

a mother's heart hurts even when her children are grown and making their own way in life. a mother's heart aches for the pain of an adult child just as much as it did for that precious three-year-old or angst-ridden thirteen-year-old.

knowing that you are praying for her and her family eases the hurt.

i had a thought.....

could it be something so simple? could it be something that we have studied and read and know in our hearts but missed?

our questions demand answers. questions for which there are no answers. why? a loving God would allow THIS? why suffering? isn't there an easier way? it hurts. i don't get it. it happens over and over. tragedy. despair. emptiness.

and then i had a thought:

is it the love of a husband restraining his hysterical wife as she is told there is no heartbeat?
is it the love of a mother-in-law who grieves with her daughter-in-law the passing of a son and husband?
is it the love of a father for his son who was in the driver's seat of the car that struck down his innocent little sister?
is it the love of a young woman who falls to her feet in a dark, dirty garage in prayer for her friend whose baby is born still?
is it the love of a stranger who sends a special bracelet or a basket of flowers to a grieving mother?
is it the love of a co-worker who simply offers a gentle touch as she passes by?
is it the love of a friend of a friend who offers financial support for funeral expenses?
is it the love of a brother who climbs to the top of a mountain with his grieving friend and prays?

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, EVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another," John 13:34-35

who hasn't experienced the acute pain of grief and at the same time felt the overwhelming love of friends, family and strangers. the outpouring of love expressed in comments sections of personal stories is amazing. could it be so simple?

yes, we are disciplined and tested through our trials. the strength of our faith during these times is certainly a witness for others. our hope in redemption is encouraging to those who might falter. but the depth of the LOVE that is connecting all stories and strangers and even "blog-stalkers" is unfathomable. it is amazing. and if we are to be like Him, if He has loved us so overwhelmingly and if the greatest command is to love others..........

could it be something so simple?

"...but now faith, hope, love, abide these three, but the greatest of these is LOVE."
1 Corinthians 13:13

confused

i just returned from a mission trip to new york city with some students from our church college group. i wonder if everyone who goes to new york has a hard time leaving. or is it just me? i have always had a hard time leaving. i am NEVER ready to come home. i can remember all the years we camped in colorado and would start the long drive home. it would depress me to see cars going in the opposite direction with cartop carriers carrying their sleeping bags and luggage and supplies - our fun was ending and theirs was just beginning.

i can remember the first mission trip i took. i came home and sat on the patio in despair. my house and backyard and all the surroundings made me feel like a foreigner. it was all alien to me. i was homesick for the place i had returned from.

i don't get it. am i really geographically misplaced? my friend asks me if i am resisting "being" in the place where God wants me and wants me to be happy?

transition is so hard for me. if i get right back to work and get my mind busy, soon i fall back into my normal routine which soon includes a "passion" for american idol, gray's anatomy, LOST and the internet. what? after sorting and boxing up 1500 men's shirts of various sizes in the World Vision warehouse in the Bronx? after packing 2200 father's day packets complete with deoderant, lotion, and shower gel for underprivileged kids around the world? after prayer walking around manhattan? after reading scripture in the United Nation's building? after working in a soup kitchen at a local episcopal church? in a city where 1/2 of one percent of new yorkers admit to being christian?

we were working with and for Apostle's Church (google it) in manhattan. it is an interdenominational church plant that, after four years of consistent support, is approaching complete self-sufficiency financially (although donations continue to help keep it solvent).

our free time consisted of visiting and enjoying the following:
times square
canal street
yankees/mets game for one hour before the game was rained out
empire state building
rockefeller center
ground zero
battery park
statue of liberty
pinkberry (google it - it is an amazing yogurt delight found only in NY and California)
little italy
chelsea
washington square
grand central station
central park
metropolitan museum
new york cheese cake
sidewalk cafe coffee on a rainy afternoon
honking taxis
FRIENDLY HELPFUL new yorkers
awesome amateur musicians in the subway stations
the subway the subway the subway
walking walking walking

that said, i had returned from albuquerque and sydney's beautiful service and worked for only 2 days before leaving to go to new york. it was a quick, hurried wonderful trip. but as soon as i got settled in my seat on the plane my thoughts became centered once again on my daughter and her family and little sydney. the escape made me feel guilty because i know my daughter can never escape since it is with her and it is her. it still hurts and there are still no words. there is nothing - not even a five day mission trip to an exciting, thrilling new york city - that can ever, ever fill that hole in my heart.

Little One, Hold My Hand

for Sydney Grace

Little one, hold my hand.
Show me all the wonders that you see;
Help me feel His loving touch,
Lead me gently to His feet;

Little one, hold my hand,
Guide me as I seek to learn
How to do what He wants of me;
Be my sweet angel leading me.

Little one, hold my hand,
Come at night and whisper in my ear
Of the glorious things that you now know,
Safely resting in His arms..

Little one, hold my hand.
Sit beside me as I weep;
Dry my tears with gentle breath,
A breeze that softly touches cheek.

Little one, hold my hand,
Angel fingers entwined in mine;
Pull me gently closer still
To live in Him in every hour.

Little one, hold my hand,
He will help you teach me how
To be a better person now,
Change me with His love you bring.

Little one, hold my hand,
I need to feel your presence here;
I'll try not to hold too tight,
For I know I'm not the only one.

Little one, hold my hand,
Snuggle with me in my dreams
And sing a joyful song to me;
I'll listen and i'll sing with you.

Little one, hold my hand,
Until the day when I come home
And then we'll dance and never tire
And play at Jesus feet again.

Ode to Ellaiden...with or without hair....

Sung to the tune of
"Oh My Darling Clementine"

Alopecia, alopecia,
You just appeared one day,
You are sneaky,
You came so quickly
I don't quite know what to say.

But guess what, oh alopecia
You won't get her
No, no, no.....
Alopecia, you can't change her,
It's not her hair that makes her glow..

It's her laughter and her busyness
And the way she never slows,
It's the way her brown eyes twinkle,
Besides, she really hates hairbows.

She is clever and so curious
Loves to shop for a pretty frock,
I can teach her 'bout scarves and hats
We'll coordinate with birkenstocks.

Alopecia, alopecia
You can leave just any time;
But if you stay, you'll be dismayed
'Cause hair or not she'll be just fine.



(google if you don't know what alopecia is)

ok, so don't ever sit down and start blogging at 4am in the morning when you haven't been to sleep yet. your fingernails will peel back and words you don't want to say will ooze from inside the nail bed, slip into the laptop keys and splatter onto your monitor. then, when you have to get up at 7 to get to work you don't have time to delete the post(s). some things are better left embedded in the gray matter between your ears. cutting 120 pieces of laminated artwork at school today kept me awake.



today: chris f, lisa, kendra and carol t. thank you.

earthquake

"writer nancy moos points out that grief does not occur in isolation and that is is necessary to work through grief from the viewpoint of family dynamics. she states that the interaction and communication patterns between family members may be disrupted by death. roles within the family shift or change, sometimes permanently." earthquake.

in the last five months.......

10 dozen batches of sausage balls

5 dozen batches of olive cheese balls

5 batches of brownies

2 rum cakes

1 oreo 'dirt' cake with gummy worms

3 dozen martha washington balls

3 batches of pralines

4 batches of chocolate chip cookies

"thanks just the same, but do you bake EVERY night" they ask.

"pretty much......what else can i do for you? i can't stop. it's all i've got. and besides, you all are here. so take advantage of it. "

ellaiden's visit to dallas....

more pics of ellaiden in dallas....went to target, blew bubbles, jingled the garden chimes, took baths and watched some tv with papa after work....(sorry i don't know how to turn the pictures the right way)

keeping miss e......

we kept ellaiden for a week to give chris and jenny a little break (little because they still had 'little' soren with them); we had a ball with miss e and she even went to school with me one day to visit. they've just discovered that ellaiden has alopecia aerata, the hair loss disease. hopefully it will be a one-time hair loss (her father, chris, lost a lot of his hair at about the same age and it all came back and he never lost it again. ). i have read that male pattern baldness is also a form of alopecia and my dad had early balding and chris is having some early thinning and receding hairlines. there can be a genetic connection so maybe this is it for ellaiden and it will all grow back. if not....if she loses it all.....i will shave my head in concert with her. and if you don't think i will then you don't really know me.

what idol do you worship and i don't mean david archuleta...

so, i'm going to be really honest. (like us margraves AREN'T?)

there was a bit of dysfunction in my upbringing; i wasn't particularly close to my parents. they were products of their upbringing and so forth and so forth. (by the way, if you had a particularly close and loving relationship with your parents, don't feel free to comment and give me advice. thanks but no thanks.)

when i got married and had my own family, i was ecstatic. not that we didn't have our own problems (baggage) like everyone else; but, i felt like the family we "created" was pretty normal. we were involved in our children's sports and school activities as well as active in church as a family. our children did well in school and had friends who hung out at our house. the boys found it entertaining to make video movies - silly, pre-puberty boy-type movies that they willingly showed us the next day. that was when we noticed the clock in the background of the video that read "2:30 am".........the boys also built a fort out back, tried to dig a swimming pool in the backyard (and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't hold water) and buried a "time capsule" when they were in sixth grade to be opened when they were seniors. their senior year, the boys gathered and dug up the time capsule and laughed at the silly things they found.

the girls had sleepovers and cabbage patch kid birthday parties. they mixed "potions" out of mud, leaves and water on top of the air conditioner compressor. they roller-skated up and down the alley, racing past the yard with the mean dog that ran up and down the length of the fence until they had passed; they played "detective" as they watched cars pass by and made up mystery stories about the occupants. they played dentist and library in the built-in bar in the family room and played "apartment" by locking and unlocking bedroom doors with "keys" which were actually bobby pins.

we were often chaperones for dances, backstage workers for musicals and brownie scout and cub scout leaders. dads went on indian princess and indian guide campouts (these men who have been friends for over 20 years meet for breakfast EVERY saturday morning - EVERY) and moms took 30 girl scounts on campouts. couples went to cotton bowl games and then that night gathered the children from babysitters and congregated at one house to watch the orange bowl game while the children played in the back room. the children were always rounded up to watch the half-time show which in those days was much more spectacular than it is now.

and there was much more. growing up with cousins a few miles away - church and weekends together. cookouts. birthdays. etc. etc. so when my nest emptied, boy, did it empty. suddenly. both kids moved 1100 miles away together. i had always known i would have to face an empty nest.....i just didn't realize i would have to face an empty STATE! needless to say, i didn't handle it well. i missed them terribly and suffered depression. what i realize now was that they made the move and separation easily because of how THEY were raised; i still suffered not even knowing why. i just knew that the family that had been was no more. or at least that is how it seemed. with the loss of sydney grace, the distance between us now seems much further than it really is. text and emails (and an occasional phone call when there is time in a busy day) are the extent of the relationship. thank goodness for new technology and not having to walk to the mailbox every day to look for a newsy letter - it is instantaneous. but it is still distant. the emptiness that i felt when they moved is nothing compared to the emptiness i feel when i know someone else is meeting her needs and giving her physical hugs and making her laugh. i'm so grateful that she has such a strong, loving support group. and i also know that is how life is supposed to be. if you meet the needs of your children, they don't need you as much. if YOUR needs weren't met as a child, you need them too much. and i do.

having a daughter is so, so special. the saying "a son is a son til he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life" is so true. i mean, i still have a close friendship with my son and i LOVE how we can share sports, books and theological and political discussions. but mothers and daughters have a special bond if they are lucky. i never had a true friendship with my mother; i felt like i did with my own daughter. when my mother died, i grieved the relationship we didn't have. and it made my friendship with my own daughter even more precious and treasured by me. we have new neighbors; they are a young family with small children. the mother and i have already become friends and we both have commented on how much alike we are and how easy (and fun) it is to be around each other. i am happy about that. but she is still not my daughter. my daughter has said that one of the reasons she misses sydney grace is because of the relationship she wanted to have with a daughter BECAUSE of the relationship she and i have had. i know she would have been (and some day may still be) a good mother to a daughter. and i hope that when the time would come, she would find it easier than it has been for me to let go. and that brings me to another topic. i have made my children/family my idols. i have put them before God. that is NOT what He wants. but my love for my children seems bigger than my love for Him. and i don't know how in the world to correct that............and that is a topic for another post......

forgotten tears, by nina bennett

so, i finally picked up the book i ordered a couple of months ago. "forgotten tears" is a grandmother's journey through grief following the stillbirth of her granddaughter. i found myself intentionally skipping pages that were too painful to read - feeling the familiar lump in my throat and knot in my stomach i just pushed everything back down to where it has been for the last few weeks. i don't even have words any more. i am still fighting it. i still want my daughter back. i know she will never be the same. i know there will always be something/someone missing in our family. i want to be already down the road. far away from this spot we're muddling through.

excerpts:

"as a healthcare professional, stages of grief were someting concrete i could describe to people dealing with the death of a loved one. yet, when i was faced with the death of my granddaughter, i didn't feel as though the stages had much relevance to what i was experiencing. how could i possible resolve the loss of my granddaughter? how could i "move on"? the fact that maddy had not survived delivery is unacceptable. "

"Our own pain threatens to overwhelm us, but to see OUR children in so much pain is, in many cases, more than we can bear. this adds another layer of complicated emotions for grandparents. we want to be able to help our children in any way possible, and yet we have other responsibilities. we are pulled in many different directions. we need to return to work for financial reasons as well as limitations on time off; yet, we want to be available to our child. we need to grieve our loss, yet we feel as though we must hold it together and appear strong in front of our children. we want to spend every minute with our bereaved child, yet we have other family members who also need us. our hearts break at the sight of our children's anguish and we long to help them. at the same time, we are also experiencing what feels like unbearable pain, and we need to find our way through our own grief. as tempting as it is to deny what we are feeling, we cannot put our grief aside while we help our child. it sounds contradictory to say that we need to do our own grieving simultaneously while doing whatever we can to provie comfort for our child, but that is precisely the complexity of being a bereaved grandparent."

"I am powerless, i am helpless, i am frustrated, i sit here and cry with her. she cries for her daughter and i cry for mine. i CANNOT help her. i can't reach inside and take her broken heart. i must watch her suffer day after day and see her desolation. where is my power now? where is my mother's bag of tricks that will make it all better? where are the answers. i should have them. i'm a mother."

"There are times when i looked into my daughter's lost dark eyes and thought i would never see the face of my real daughter again. that is what cut my heart to ribbons even more than losing my grandchild - the thought that i had lost my daughter as well."

"what i didn't expect was that i would still be crying several months after maddy died."

"sudden, unanticipated death casts an overlying layer of trauma on the loss. the person's emotional responses are intensified; he or she may even exhibit symptoms of posttraumatic shock. the suddenness and lack of anticipation of the death overwhelm the mourner, leaving little resources for coping. "

and words like these, written by a grieving grandmother, words i could have written myself, i race over in an effort to control wracking sobs:

"maddy (sydney grace) will always be a part of me. she will never be forgotten. every breeze that touches my cheek will be my granddaughter whispering secrets. every fluffy cloud that floats across the sky is a kiss i am sending her. i will see her in every soft sunrise and brilliant sunset. and when i'm in colorado and feel a snowflake on my face, i know that maddy (sydney grace) will be telling me its time to stop crying. maddy (sydney grace), i loved you from the moment i knew you existed and i will always love you."

i still cry in church every single sunday morning. i can't help it. usually it is when i am singing that God cares about me, is wonderful to me, is my Strength. funny, that when i sing of all those things He is to me and is for me, that is when i cannot control the tears. and it lurks beneath hillarys and funny bloggers and broken trees on houses and all the other stuff i vomit to keep my sadness from becoming who i am.

this is all just so dang hard.

"

i laugh out loud....

http://candleatbothends.blogspot.com/

this blog makes me laugh EVERY TIME i read it. her accounts of motherhood are laced with sarcasm and wit and wonderful humor. enjoy.

changed from within....

i love this pastor's blog. please go to his site to read his most recent post - it contains an amazing testimony!

http://kerussocharis.blogspot.com/

by wade burleson

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I Would Not Have Sinned, Except for the Law
Some Southern Baptist leaders believe that the way to stop believers from straying into sin, or to keep church members living lives consistent with personal holiness, or to establish churches with a worthy 'Baptist Identity,' is to lay out for Christians 'the law' of proper behavior. Following the articulation of 'the law' (whatever it may be from church to church), comes the use of threats (see picture below) to keep those Christians who violate the laws of the church. In this manner, some Southern Baptist leaders seem to feel comfortable that they have done all they can to perserve the purity of God's kingdom. However, in my experience, such behavior exhibited by church leadership contradicts the beauty of the gospel as an internal change of heart. To demand conformity through outward pressure is the tactic of religious cults, not Christian grace.

(go to the site for continuation of this post)

what if better doesn't come......

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/

please check out boothe's post today. wise, helpful words.

metaphorically speaking......

i'm going to see the amish.
soon.

don't ask me any questions.

you won't get any answers.

Proud or Broken?

Differences Between Proud and Broken People
"There are times when I need to take a step back and evaluate my spirit in writing, ministry, and
life in general. The following table is helpful in terms of identifying, acknowledging, and repenting
of any spirit of pride in my life. It outlines the differences between proud and broken people."
Grace and Truth To You, by Wade Burleson April 17, 2008

i occasionally read a blog by a young pastor in oklahoma; he recently posted an interesting table pointing out the differences between proud and broken people. with his permission, i tried to copy the table but it didn't copy as a table and that truly is the best way to compare the differences. PLEASE go to to http://kerussocharis.blogspot.com/ to see for yourself. it is VERY convicting!!

(WHY does my blog print like this when the previewed sample is lined up perfectly????)

crazy is as crazy does.......

pipsy, this one's for you! sometimes i get a little obsessed. the list of blogs i read is situated to the right of my post. the blogs i have recently opened and read appear in black print. the ones still waiting to be opened appear in blue print. sometimes i can't stand it until they are all in one color so i open all of them until they are all black. oh yeah.

you can pick your friends but........

i read a post today from a mother who has recently had to bury her newborn boy. my heart hurts for her and i don't know her. it is more difficult still to hurt for your own family member. a sister whose husband is awaiting a possible cancer diagnosis, a neice whose father's life is stilled by a tragic accident, a daughter whose athletic husband drowns in a freak accident...or in our case a daughter who, almost 8 months pregnant, gives birth to a stillborn baby girl.

i haven't talked to or read posts or comments by any other grandmothers or grandfathers or aunts or uncles who are walking this road with their family member. i don't know if they don't know about the blogs, if the family member doesn't want to 'burden' relatives or impose sadness on them so they don't tell them about the blog- maybe most of us old geezers don't even know what a blog is or still prefer smith and corona manual typewriters.

the post i read today spoke of the difficulty of grieving and how relationships change through the journey. she commented that it seemed that the ones most sympathtic and most in constant contact are the new friends; and that even family had disappointed her. and it is well-known that any couple experiencing the death of a child, even a newborn, can easily become part of the divorce statistic. i had a friend whose daughter was 16 and killed on new years eve many years ago. she and her husband ended up divorcing and later re-marrying - AFTER the grief process had been completed - differently for each of them.

grieving husbands, wives, grandparents and siblings who may have always been close suddenly face a changed relationship; and if these relatives haven't been very close, it may be even harder to maintain the facade of a "normal' family. i read of a girl whose mother gets upset because her daughter is upset and then the daughter gets upset because she upset her mother. just as any death in a family can upset a seemingly stable family dynamic, a miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn can do the same. often, there is emotional baggage that family members carry that friends, old or new, don't have to tote around.

the girl who wrote the post also spoke of feeling irritable and snappy and angry. common reactions to recently experiencing a personal loss (and evidently, according to what i've also read recently, a physiological reaction). and don't you know that it is much easier to snap at a friend and experience forgiveness than it is to rail on a family member who unfortunately brings a trunk, 2 large suitcases, 1 carryon and a makeup tote full of family history? think about it this way: we yell at our children and spouses and complain to them about things they do that we "let go" with a wave of the hand and a smile when friends do the same things.

this journey is hard. watching from afar as a family member is confusing. wanting to say enough but not too little. not wanting to impose but wanting to be available. wanting to say her name but wondering if it will cause more pain. it's tiptoeing around the broken pieces for awhile, then deciding that isn't supportive enough and then stomping right through the middle of the shards before walking away in silence for awhile and then coming back to try again. all the while with the realization that the difficulty that you are experiencing is NOTHING compared to what she is going through.

so i pray for the girl who wrote the blog and i pray for our family and others like us. i pray that friends would continue to be supportive and comforting. and i pray that families would be healed and relationships mended....

....and that He would give us patience with ourselves and with each other.

she died in Christ.....

a woman i knew in church years ago died today. her daughter had gotten pregnant as a teenager and come back to the youth group as a teacher - her testimony was strong and effective. she went to college and married a nice young man and is six months pregnant with her second child. her mother died today after going to the hospital with an intestinal blockage; she had been looking forward to having another grandchild. my sadness is for her daughter and grandson and the grandchild she will never know as well as her close friends. but i know that right now she isn't worried about missing her grandchildren or daughter or her friends. she is in Good Hands and happy.

1 thessalonians 4:13: ".....do not grieve as do those who have no hope"

the high cost of filling up the tank....

i have been thinking about my daughter (i never stop thinking about her, really). throughout the last few months of reading blogs, i notice that rarely, if at all, do grandparents make comments. do they read their adult childrens' blogs? are they familiar with the blog world? or do they, as mentioned in cfhusband's blog, have full lives of their own - so much so that they don't have time to be part of the blogworld?

i love my job - it hardly feels like a job. i love the people i work with and i love the children - i am attached. aside from that small part of my week, it is pretty much internet, tv and sleep. when i am with my adult children there is conversation, busyness and keeping up with grandkids - but those times are scattered and occasional.

my question to myself is "what fills a life" ? i drive by the park by our house and see little boys at t-ball practice or soccer practice; i drive by the elementary school and see brownie scouts gathering for a weekend campout. i drive by the high school and see middle schoolers readying for a trackmeet. that used to fill my life. what now? what do i do with these last twenty or so years of my life? years i thought would be constant with family?

sometimes i feel like moving far away and saturating myself in missions. but my motive for that should be to glorify God - not "fill my life".

my tank feels empty. how do i fill it up?

ellaiden's birthday pics!

to the right are more pics - at one point we missed ellaiden and her friend naomi - we found them snuggled up in e's bed! happy birthday, two-year-old!! (oh, and the tulips? 6 hours after we bought them, this is what they looked like....)

little miss e...

we went to austin for the weekend to help celebrate ellaiden's 2nd birthday. we were very busy all weekend. grocery shopping for the food, cleaning house, planting flowers outside, cleaning up and setting up the patio for the party, preparing veg and fruit trays - and the weather was perfect! there were around 35 people - friends from chris and jenny's church (mosaic/austin - don't know how to make this a link but you can check it out online) and friends chris went to high school with who we have known for as long. the whole thing was outside and there were lots of little kids running around. (i'll post pictures later).

we brought ellaiden back with us for the week to give chris and jenny a much-needed break (e is 2 and soren is 7 months); evidently this is common practice for grandparents because we learned that lauren bagwell dietz's mother-in-law brought braxton back to austin from north carolina and then flew back with him to get him home and turned around and flew back by herself to austin. sounds familiar :) we got back from austin tonight around 6:30. ellaiden was supposed to take a nap before we left but didn't so we thought she would in the car but she didn't. she watched a winnie the pooh movie and a backyardigans movie AND part of an elmo movie - close to home she ate some ham and a bowl of vegetables, some goldfish and a cup of milk. she was GREAT!!

when we got here she walked right into the playroom and checked out her bed and the toys. i put away alyssa's doll house furniture that we bought when we lived in pennsylvania when she was 10 years old; i bought some inexpensive furniture and dolls at hobby lobby for the grandchildren to play with. ellaiden immediately sat down on the floor and rearranged the furniture. she was pretty tired after a bath and after one story, she was yawning and about to fall asleep snugged up in dora and diego bedding.

even though tonight there is a frost warning (go figure) the day-time temps are supposed to be in the mid-70's so we hope to make it to the park and church playground this week. ellaiden plays hard and is a good sleeper so i think the week will go by really fast.

i told her parents we would keep her as long as they wanted us to. maybe til she is 4! :)

i think that i shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree...

Joyce Kilmer. 1886–1918
Trees
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

so, my 24-year old friend who i've known since she was 3 months old came into town. during her college years each summer we would play scrabble til the wee hours of many mornings. so last night i said, come on over and we'll play one last scrabble series before you leave town again. we played until 2:30. only got 2 games finished (tells you how long we ponder over words in an attempt to get that 85 point word). she finally said i'm just going to sleep on your sofa and go home tomorrow. i went to bed at 2:38am. quick deep sleep.

about an hour and a half later i heard a sound i'd never heard before. weird wind. no train sound. no howling or whistling. just weird. before i could get my eyes fully open i heard a unusual and dramatic sound. i didn't jump up. i lay very still and in my semi-conscious foggy sleep-state i said "i think a car just landed on our roof." i don't know why i said it and then i thought i had dreamed it. i stayed under the covers.

when we looked outside it was apparent that the 50 ft fifty-year old oak tree had been twisted up out of the ground - much like the cork we had unscrewed from the wine bottle at dinner earlier in the evening. a double-trunked tree. one trunk fell into the street and the other larger trunk fell across the gable of our roof and onto the neighbor's roof. we were lucky. our damage was minimal, unlike many in plano and allen.

as the tree service began the cleanup i asked the site manager about the way the tree fell. i said surely since it was situated so close to the house that if it had fallen straight toward the bedroom window it would have just rested against the house. he laughed at me and said, "honey, not a 15,000 lb tree. it would have landed on your bed!" gulp.

i think i'm going to be sick......

i don't quite know exactly what i'm about to say. i just know it has been on my heart for a while and i haven't known how to word it; i will probably still stumble but here goes. my intent is not to offend or hurt or misunderstand - i'm trying to figure things out as well.

i once had an acquaintance who a sweet, compassionate person. she would do anything for you and she had a heart of gold. she also was willing to share the burdens of others; she felt the pain of others and wept along with anyone who was experiencing sadness or grief or even just a serious personal problem. she probably, like me, carried the pain of stories splashed across the television and in print - stories of tragic car accidents or misfortunes that would arrive at the doorsteps of neighbors or even those unknown to her.

the only problem was that she couldn't let go of it. people would see her coming and began to turn the other way. it wasn't that they didn't care and it wasn't because they didn't want to help. but she seemed unable to grow through her grief - even with the support and love of her friends. she was a victim and she seemed unable to un-victimize herself.

i don't want to be that person. as sad as i am, as hurt as i am for my daughter, as much of a loss as i feel our family has experienced, i don't want to be that person that people begin to avoid. i don't want to continue to bring darkness and despair into the lives of others if i'm living a joyless existence. heaven only knows they have their own situations to deal with. wouldn't i rather be light? even in the midst of my own misfortune? what am i called to be? i choose jesus so what is my responsibility?

i continute to be amazed at the young women whose light continues to shine even though they have suffered great loss. oh, they speak of sadness and what-ifs but i never hear bitterness. they feel anger for sure but it is tempered, perhaps by their tone or their language and also because of their ability to claim joy in the midst of their grief. don't get me wrong. i still sob. i still see young mothers with precious live bundles of spit and drool and poop and my knees go weak and the knot in my stomach tightens.

the other thing i continue to struggle with is blogdom. when i read a post from a family that has just experienced great loss and they write of the hundreds of comments they get and how much they are uplifted by every single prayer and the support even from strangers, i am convicted to continue to blog-stalk and comment. but then, i begin to question that practice of saturating my time at home with the tragedies of others. PLEASE don't think i am callous; those who know me best know better. my heart tells me to READ READ READ each and every story and COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT so as to be supportive and prayerful. so......

.....i am in a quandry: 1)i don't want to remain a victim - this doesn't mean i deny my grief or the process of moving through it and 2)is it healthy for me, or anyone else who has experienced a loss, to dwell in the world of sad blogdom and 3)even though i gain support and prayerful encouragement from others, am i really leaning on the blogsters more than my God in order to heal and 4)as my blogging is considered a public on-line journal what really is its purpose? is it to vent my feelings? is it to help others? if it is to help others, how am i most effective? in expressing my raw feelings so that others will say 'i feel the same way'? or in expressing my raw feelings BUT reflecting a sort of peace and reliance on God AND evidence that He truly is working in me in a good way. if i continue to express my bitterness and anger am i inhibiting those who read my blog from moving forward? should much of that posting be in a private diary? I DON'T KNOW!!! if i am told 'grieve at your own pace' for ME does that mean that i will still be grieving 10 years from now as if it is a fresh wound and my life will be a reflection of my grief, not my joy?

i just know that i want to crawl out of the pits. i want others to crawl out with me. and i don't know if that can happen if i don't take the outreached hand of the One who assures me that He is in control and reflect that in a positive manner. when i grieved my own personal loss 35 years ago, i was in darkness. i was a christian but didn't KNOW my Lord. i am so grateful to be where i am today knowing that i don't have to stay in the mirey clay.

i was talking to someone today about grief groups. i expressed to her the concern that if i were in a grief group that didn't have an agenda or a spiritual purpose, i am afraid i would remain stuck - almost embracing my grief. i might not even realize that i was carrying my grief around in my purse or wearing it on my lapel like a purple heart pin for all to see. i have another friend who lost a baby a few years ago and the other day i asked her how did you ever get to the point where you weren't wearing your grief like an easter corsage. you know what she told me?

"i just got sick of myself."

i think i understand that. i don't want others to get sick of me and i for sure don't want to get someone else sick. it doesn't mean i won't still feel my sadness. it won't diminish my loss.

Lord, help me to get sick of myself.

.