i wish it was soon.er.

i was just saying this to myself. self, it seems that the only ones who receive comfort or encouragement are those who speak the lingo. by that i mean christianeeze. what i call God Talk. it almost seems like lala land when people experience such painful tragedies and seem to be able to "find joy in ALL circumstances" etc. i know we are supposed to. but don't look here yet for that person. i apologize to my daughter for not being that mother right now who prayed her through so much of her life experiences. i can't be that person who inspires and is an example and speaks of love relating to her baby girl's death. i'm so sorry for that. and it seems that only those people who have it all together in that regard receive prayers and encouragement and support. i was just saying all of that to myself.

and then i came to my blog and found a comment from the sister of a friend. actually, my son and daughter's friend. one day i said to my son, "do you know who i think is probably the genuinely NICEST person i've ever met? now this question was asked in the car going somewhere unrelated and the question was asked out of the freaking blue. my son didn't hesitate and he said "shawn davis". i almost fell out of the passenger side of the car! how could he have been on exactly the same page as me? that was exactly who i was referring to. this guy i hardly know but he always asks about our kids and he always has this huge grin on his face. he ALWAYS stops and inquires about our family as if he is TRULY interested. we both work in a church and sometimes churchianity requires the casual, routine "how are you?" (sometimes i just want to answer with the truth and watch the reaction it receives!).

so when i came to the blog today, not even intending to create a new post, there was that "1 comment". and it was from someone my daughter and i have never met and don't know - shawn's sister. niceity must run in the family.

it lifted me up today. i am a worried mom. moms always worry and i can tell you that when your kids are grown and have families of their own you STILL worry about and for them. i don't know how to act. i don't want to be so sad that it makes it worse for my daughter. i don't want to be so up that it is fake and ignores the sadness we all are feeling. i DEFINITELY don't want to say goodbye to them next week and give up the little joy that has been living and eating and sleeping in our house for the last week - a three-year-old little boy who has tantrums, gives good hugs and kisses, curls up tight against me while i read bedtime books and make up songs about what we've done all day to the tune of "the farmer in the dell". the enthusiastic little boy who wanted santa to bring him a spiderman tent/tunnel and who ended up playing instead in a tunnel of boxes connected by duct tape with mail slots cut in the side and a shower radio taped to the inside.

i want to believe that my daughter can some day sleep without meds and can have other things swimming around in her head besides the images that haunt her 24/7. i know my daughter is blessed with the best husband to help her through this. i hope i can somehow call on the images i have of how, after she and i had a tearful lunch/shopping afternoon, when we walked in the door he made her smile and laugh and forget for just a little. he is good for her.

maybe i'm not right now. maybe i'm too tender and my heart is too too. you know, too too. she doesn't want my faith to diminish. she doesn't want our family life and holidays and experiences to be full of bitterness and anger and hurt because of sydney. while things will never be the same for our family, i think they will be ok. someday. i wish it was soon. er.

we know God is still there. we don't feel Him mostly. we don't hear Him mostly. we certainly don't understand Him. but He must have used olivia to try and reach me today.

please don't give up on me. i'm just a worried, sad mom.