what idol do you worship and i don't mean david archuleta...

so, i'm going to be really honest. (like us margraves AREN'T?)

there was a bit of dysfunction in my upbringing; i wasn't particularly close to my parents. they were products of their upbringing and so forth and so forth. (by the way, if you had a particularly close and loving relationship with your parents, don't feel free to comment and give me advice. thanks but no thanks.)

when i got married and had my own family, i was ecstatic. not that we didn't have our own problems (baggage) like everyone else; but, i felt like the family we "created" was pretty normal. we were involved in our children's sports and school activities as well as active in church as a family. our children did well in school and had friends who hung out at our house. the boys found it entertaining to make video movies - silly, pre-puberty boy-type movies that they willingly showed us the next day. that was when we noticed the clock in the background of the video that read "2:30 am".........the boys also built a fort out back, tried to dig a swimming pool in the backyard (and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't hold water) and buried a "time capsule" when they were in sixth grade to be opened when they were seniors. their senior year, the boys gathered and dug up the time capsule and laughed at the silly things they found.

the girls had sleepovers and cabbage patch kid birthday parties. they mixed "potions" out of mud, leaves and water on top of the air conditioner compressor. they roller-skated up and down the alley, racing past the yard with the mean dog that ran up and down the length of the fence until they had passed; they played "detective" as they watched cars pass by and made up mystery stories about the occupants. they played dentist and library in the built-in bar in the family room and played "apartment" by locking and unlocking bedroom doors with "keys" which were actually bobby pins.

we were often chaperones for dances, backstage workers for musicals and brownie scout and cub scout leaders. dads went on indian princess and indian guide campouts (these men who have been friends for over 20 years meet for breakfast EVERY saturday morning - EVERY) and moms took 30 girl scounts on campouts. couples went to cotton bowl games and then that night gathered the children from babysitters and congregated at one house to watch the orange bowl game while the children played in the back room. the children were always rounded up to watch the half-time show which in those days was much more spectacular than it is now.

and there was much more. growing up with cousins a few miles away - church and weekends together. cookouts. birthdays. etc. etc. so when my nest emptied, boy, did it empty. suddenly. both kids moved 1100 miles away together. i had always known i would have to face an empty nest.....i just didn't realize i would have to face an empty STATE! needless to say, i didn't handle it well. i missed them terribly and suffered depression. what i realize now was that they made the move and separation easily because of how THEY were raised; i still suffered not even knowing why. i just knew that the family that had been was no more. or at least that is how it seemed. with the loss of sydney grace, the distance between us now seems much further than it really is. text and emails (and an occasional phone call when there is time in a busy day) are the extent of the relationship. thank goodness for new technology and not having to walk to the mailbox every day to look for a newsy letter - it is instantaneous. but it is still distant. the emptiness that i felt when they moved is nothing compared to the emptiness i feel when i know someone else is meeting her needs and giving her physical hugs and making her laugh. i'm so grateful that she has such a strong, loving support group. and i also know that is how life is supposed to be. if you meet the needs of your children, they don't need you as much. if YOUR needs weren't met as a child, you need them too much. and i do.

having a daughter is so, so special. the saying "a son is a son til he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life" is so true. i mean, i still have a close friendship with my son and i LOVE how we can share sports, books and theological and political discussions. but mothers and daughters have a special bond if they are lucky. i never had a true friendship with my mother; i felt like i did with my own daughter. when my mother died, i grieved the relationship we didn't have. and it made my friendship with my own daughter even more precious and treasured by me. we have new neighbors; they are a young family with small children. the mother and i have already become friends and we both have commented on how much alike we are and how easy (and fun) it is to be around each other. i am happy about that. but she is still not my daughter. my daughter has said that one of the reasons she misses sydney grace is because of the relationship she wanted to have with a daughter BECAUSE of the relationship she and i have had. i know she would have been (and some day may still be) a good mother to a daughter. and i hope that when the time would come, she would find it easier than it has been for me to let go. and that brings me to another topic. i have made my children/family my idols. i have put them before God. that is NOT what He wants. but my love for my children seems bigger than my love for Him. and i don't know how in the world to correct that............and that is a topic for another post......