i don't quite know exactly what i'm about to say. i just know it has been on my heart for a while and i haven't known how to word it; i will probably still stumble but here goes. my intent is not to offend or hurt or misunderstand - i'm trying to figure things out as well.
i once had an acquaintance who a sweet, compassionate person. she would do anything for you and she had a heart of gold. she also was willing to share the burdens of others; she felt the pain of others and wept along with anyone who was experiencing sadness or grief or even just a serious personal problem. she probably, like me, carried the pain of stories splashed across the television and in print - stories of tragic car accidents or misfortunes that would arrive at the doorsteps of neighbors or even those unknown to her.
the only problem was that she couldn't let go of it. people would see her coming and began to turn the other way. it wasn't that they didn't care and it wasn't because they didn't want to help. but she seemed unable to grow through her grief - even with the support and love of her friends. she was a victim and she seemed unable to un-victimize herself.
i don't want to be that person. as sad as i am, as hurt as i am for my daughter, as much of a loss as i feel our family has experienced, i don't want to be that person that people begin to avoid. i don't want to continue to bring darkness and despair into the lives of others if i'm living a joyless existence. heaven only knows they have their own situations to deal with. wouldn't i rather be light? even in the midst of my own misfortune? what am i called to be? i choose jesus so what is my responsibility?
i continute to be amazed at the young women whose light continues to shine even though they have suffered great loss. oh, they speak of sadness and what-ifs but i never hear bitterness. they feel anger for sure but it is tempered, perhaps by their tone or their language and also because of their ability to claim joy in the midst of their grief. don't get me wrong. i still sob. i still see young mothers with precious live bundles of spit and drool and poop and my knees go weak and the knot in my stomach tightens.
the other thing i continue to struggle with is blogdom. when i read a post from a family that has just experienced great loss and they write of the hundreds of comments they get and how much they are uplifted by every single prayer and the support even from strangers, i am convicted to continue to blog-stalk and comment. but then, i begin to question that practice of saturating my time at home with the tragedies of others. PLEASE don't think i am callous; those who know me best know better. my heart tells me to READ READ READ each and every story and COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT so as to be supportive and prayerful. so......
.....i am in a quandry: 1)i don't want to remain a victim - this doesn't mean i deny my grief or the process of moving through it and 2)is it healthy for me, or anyone else who has experienced a loss, to dwell in the world of sad blogdom and 3)even though i gain support and prayerful encouragement from others, am i really leaning on the blogsters more than my God in order to heal and 4)as my blogging is considered a public on-line journal what really is its purpose? is it to vent my feelings? is it to help others? if it is to help others, how am i most effective? in expressing my raw feelings so that others will say 'i feel the same way'? or in expressing my raw feelings BUT reflecting a sort of peace and reliance on God AND evidence that He truly is working in me in a good way. if i continue to express my bitterness and anger am i inhibiting those who read my blog from moving forward? should much of that posting be in a private diary? I DON'T KNOW!!! if i am told 'grieve at your own pace' for ME does that mean that i will still be grieving 10 years from now as if it is a fresh wound and my life will be a reflection of my grief, not my joy?
i just know that i want to crawl out of the pits. i want others to crawl out with me. and i don't know if that can happen if i don't take the outreached hand of the One who assures me that He is in control and reflect that in a positive manner. when i grieved my own personal loss 35 years ago, i was in darkness. i was a christian but didn't KNOW my Lord. i am so grateful to be where i am today knowing that i don't have to stay in the mirey clay.
i was talking to someone today about grief groups. i expressed to her the concern that if i were in a grief group that didn't have an agenda or a spiritual purpose, i am afraid i would remain stuck - almost embracing my grief. i might not even realize that i was carrying my grief around in my purse or wearing it on my lapel like a purple heart pin for all to see. i have another friend who lost a baby a few years ago and the other day i asked her how did you ever get to the point where you weren't wearing your grief like an easter corsage. you know what she told me?
"i just got sick of myself."
i think i understand that. i don't want others to get sick of me and i for sure don't want to get someone else sick. it doesn't mean i won't still feel my sadness. it won't diminish my loss.
Lord, help me to get sick of myself.
.
7 comments:
I have no words of wisdom for you. However, I have to say that that is one creepy photo, girlfrien'. Wherever did you find it?
(I have a lousy gauge for detecting when I'm inappropriate, so if this is one of those times, please forgive me. I just keep looking at that photo and thinking, "Yowsers.....". As David would say, "Hey-up...". Translated="Help".)
K.
I am probably one of those that folks get sick of. Which bothers me of course, as I hate to be a pain/bother to anyone.
I guess what I struggle with is WHY I feel emotions so intensely. Why when I'm happy, it's glorious energetic joy. Why when I'm sad, it's at the depths of hell.
Why can't I seem to extract myself from other people's "issues" when it comes to my emotions??? Most people would look at Alyssa's or the Akeman's story and think, "Oh, that's so sad. I'm so sorry." But when I listen to those stories I am in tears, aching, depressed over them, over a series of days or weeks, as if they were happening to me personally. It's almost as if I have no shut-off valve for my heart.
So then, when something bad DOES happen to me personally, I am broken, lifeless, not wanting to go on, rather wanting to die. It's that intense.
Of course that's SO attractive to people, so they are like, "Whoa..." and walk to the other side of the hallway at church, while they hold their baby just a little tighter. While I don't blame them sometimes as my grief is probably overwhelming to them. But honestly it just pisses me off that much more!
You're my brother or sister and you walk away from me in my pain?
Sometimes I feel like that robber in Jesus analogy about the Good Samaritan. The ones that are "supposed" to help, act as if I have the plague.
I don't know...maybe I need to get sick of myself. But how can I help NOT being so emotional...I've always looked at it as that's the way God made me?
what a brave and honest post. you are a warrior.
Fern: i'm having a good time trying to pull 'appropriate' pics off the internet that correspond to my posts.
andi: that is exactly how i am. i have always wondered if it was chemistry, disposition, environmental influence? it is such a struggle because when you are knitted like you and me (and alyssa) it is almost something that is just part of who you are. we can figure this out together! jan
your feelings are so valid...we do shy away from potential "akward" conaversations with "victims", as we feel like we really don't know what to say...no words to comfort. which is just a reminder there is only one comforter...i just hope you don't have to feel like this for much longer. those who love you and know you though won't think twice if you are still wearing that easter corsage at christmas 3 years from now.
wasn't it AWESOME that the idols sang Shout to the Lord?? it's my new favorite song...again.
i am NOT brave. and i also wonder about my commenting on blogs where regular commenters have deep spiritual wisdom and words of comfort that come from an intimate relationship with Christ. i often feel fake, like i am wearing one of those "flowing robes" that was mentioned in the sermon sunday. but i THINK i know my heart and i KNOW God knows my heart and my motives. i'm finding that it might be necessary to let others do the public commenting for those who are grieving because i KNOW that my prayers, even if not spoken, are heard and God gives that comfort anyway (wow, long run-on sentence). i'm learning from reading and don't want to appear to be trying to offer words that might seem empty or like i'm trying to be like others who.....HELLOOO.... RAMBLING..... brooke, i missed AI so i will prob download the song. have you noticed that david archuletta and kristy and maybe even others have sung songs referring to Jesus and chritianity? pretty cool on national television! hope to see some of you while in austin! love, jan (lay off the creepy photo - it's art!).
jan--i had to comment and say that this is such an insightful post. i have asked myself those very questions as well? it seems that blogging has brought about an entirely new form of involvement in people's lives--i just often question how much of it is truly beneficial, and how much of it becomes an addiction with safe distance? that could just be me. anyhow, as a sister in Christ, I trust you will look to Him and His word for discernment. I pray you will "set your mind on things above" and be blessed as you find Him more satisfying than any relationship or support the world might have to offer. with love,
ruth
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