my chains are gone...

where do i start. it is hard to collect my thoughts and convey what took place at our student ministry youth camp. yes, i still work with the youth and joke that they'll have to run me off when i'm in my wheelchair dragging my oxygen tank across the sand.

lately i've wondered about my effectiveness; even though i'm not the stereotypical fifty-something church lady i don't want to overstay my welcome. i love the energy and the passion of students and have a heart for teaching them how to live Godly lives and honor Him in the choices they make. i also want them to know unconditional love as they sometimes make not so good choices.


this year i was asked to lead a breakout session by offering "my story" along with several other leaders. the day we were to leave to camp i confessed to our student pastor that i wasn't sure i could do it. i was so confused as to what was expected of me as a leader in telling my current story of pain, confusion, questions and anger. i was convinced just 30 minutes before we left that this camp was to be one of honesty, openness and authenticity. i was told it was important for our students to realize that suffering and questions are not unique to the young - we all face difficulties and pain in all stages of life. and it was necessary for them to hear the truth from the adults that lead them - the truth that includes amazing grace.



around 60 students were assigned to my group throughout the week. on the first day i was nervous and anxious about how i could possibly get through my story - the story of alyssa and sydney grace. but i prayed and i was given a peace about what i was to say and was assured that my words would be meaningful and would be heard.



these are the words of the email i sent our student pastor after we returned from camp and best explain what i experienced:



"i appreciate your encouragement of me on sunday before we left; i never want camp or any student event to be about the leaders but it was apparent that God used each of us to show openness and vulerability and reflect the grace that God gives each of us. amazingly, my story changed each day - not the details but what i was learning and could share. i felt layers being peeled away by God as i shared - it never occurred to me that that would happen. i thought that He would use me to reach the students - and throughout He was reaching me as well. in my last session i told the students that during worship the night before, i realized in the middle of worship that i was worshipping with JOY for the first time since nov 30th. that i had been worshipping every sunday faithfully but through gritted teeth and clinched fists - obedient to God but reluctant because of pain and confusion. the words i was speaking to the students during camp became more than words and it was a healing process for me as well. "



one of the leaders who attended my breakout session with students came to me one evening and said she had been angry and frustrated since the death of one of our students last year - a fifteen year old boy who was her son's best friend. she said for months she couldn't open her bible and she couldn't pray. finally a friend of hers laid it on the line: she said "you HAVE to open your bible and READ. and you HAVE to pray. even if you don't feel like it. if you don't do these things you will not hear Him or feel His presence. if you do these things, you will know His presence and He will begin to fill you back up." i shared this with the students because i know it to be true.



all of our teacher-led breakout sessions were raw and real. i saw more students open up and show vulnerability and honesty than ever before. i heard confession after tearful confession. i saw unconditional love and acceptance from one student to another. i saw and participated in passionate worship like i've never experienced before in the ten years i've been attending youth camp. almost every student said the same thing. our camp speaker did not mince words and was authentic from the first night of camp - no "building up to the last night" - he began camp on the same high note on which he ended camp.



i shared with alyssa that sydney grace's story had impacted many of the youth in our student ministry. but the most amazing and freeing thing that happened was the way i was released from my own pain by publically and openly sharing my story - harder than blogging but more healing face to face. God truly used me to share Sydney's story with students who suffer through divorce, death and depression. But He knew all along that as my story changed a little each day, He was changing me.



the song that has become the mantra of this year's camp is the rendition of Amazing Grace that includes the chorus "my chains are gone, i've been set free, my God, my Savior, has ransonmed me...and like a flood His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace."





Amazing. Grace.