see you in the morning light.....

dear sydney grace,

these are such hard words to write;for today should be your birth-day. and we are all amazed at the irony that today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. for Lent reminds us of Christ's "retreat into the wilderness for 40 days to fast and pray". and it reminds us of His suffering. the dark time when He felt alone.

when i was a little girl, i was afraid of the dark. at night i didn't want to be alone in the dark. i couldn't wait until morning, when i could see the first glimmer of light. that is often how it feels now.

we've all done a lot of suffering lately. it's been a long, difficult road and the end isn't in sight as we will continue to miss you and grieve your death. i can hardly say that word when i speak of you, Sydney Grace. the questions linger, going unanswered. the tears still flow in church on sunday mornings and the thoughts of you crowd happier times from my memory. and your mommy, oh how that girl i birthed occupies so much of my heart - our hearts broken and smashed against each other right now.

if we are to draw closer to Christ through our suffering, then He has given us that opportunity through this sadness we are all experiencing. i mentioned to a friend tonight "yeah, but what a price to pay." what a price to pay. and it made me think of the price Jesus paid for us. and if the only way to truly know Him is to share suffering, then He has given us this gift of you. it is so hard to look at it this way - our humanness gets in the way. our tender hearts and our longing for a sweet, beautiful baby make us scream "no! i don't want it this way!" and wasn't it His humanness that cried to His Father 'if it is possible, let this cup pass from me' as He fell on His face in the garden of Gesthsemane?

i feel guilty. for so many years i sang that song at youth camps and disciple weekends that speaks of wanting to 'know Your face' and wanting to 'know You more'. could i have reached that point in my spiritual walk without having to give you up, Sydney? maybe, maybe not. more answers not allowed us yet. and we can make ourselves crazy trying to figure it all out. there seems to be no rhyme or reason why some mothers get to take a healthy newborn baby home and others have to leave with empty arms. the faithful? the faithless? believers or unbelieving? obedient? rebellious?

"For whatever reason, Jesus retreated into the wilderness for forty days to fast and pray. While he was there, he was tempted by Satan and found the strength to make some tough decisions. He also found clarity about God and what kind of person God wanted him to be." is this the purpose we are supposed to find in this tragedy? not a tragedy created by God, but allowed? the purpose not the reason for your absence but the result of? to figure out what God wants of us and want He wants us to be? to find clarity and strength?

my heart still hurts. it hurts for your mommy and for your daddy and for your big brother, precious Liam. our family will never be the same. it still seems cruel and unforgiving. i still don't find the joy i am supposed to feel in this experience. but as i examine the meaning of Lent and the fact that only through the dark days of suffering and retreat can we fully appreciate the beauty and hope of Easter, i AM hopeful that joy will come....some day.

i love you without even knowing you. and if you were here i would say to you the words i said to your mother when she was little, every night when i tucked her in her bed "i love you, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. good night. sleep tight. see you in the morning light." and one day, i WILL see you in the morning light! i love you, Gram