confused

i just returned from a mission trip to new york city with some students from our church college group. i wonder if everyone who goes to new york has a hard time leaving. or is it just me? i have always had a hard time leaving. i am NEVER ready to come home. i can remember all the years we camped in colorado and would start the long drive home. it would depress me to see cars going in the opposite direction with cartop carriers carrying their sleeping bags and luggage and supplies - our fun was ending and theirs was just beginning.

i can remember the first mission trip i took. i came home and sat on the patio in despair. my house and backyard and all the surroundings made me feel like a foreigner. it was all alien to me. i was homesick for the place i had returned from.

i don't get it. am i really geographically misplaced? my friend asks me if i am resisting "being" in the place where God wants me and wants me to be happy?

transition is so hard for me. if i get right back to work and get my mind busy, soon i fall back into my normal routine which soon includes a "passion" for american idol, gray's anatomy, LOST and the internet. what? after sorting and boxing up 1500 men's shirts of various sizes in the World Vision warehouse in the Bronx? after packing 2200 father's day packets complete with deoderant, lotion, and shower gel for underprivileged kids around the world? after prayer walking around manhattan? after reading scripture in the United Nation's building? after working in a soup kitchen at a local episcopal church? in a city where 1/2 of one percent of new yorkers admit to being christian?

we were working with and for Apostle's Church (google it) in manhattan. it is an interdenominational church plant that, after four years of consistent support, is approaching complete self-sufficiency financially (although donations continue to help keep it solvent).

our free time consisted of visiting and enjoying the following:
times square
canal street
yankees/mets game for one hour before the game was rained out
empire state building
rockefeller center
ground zero
battery park
statue of liberty
pinkberry (google it - it is an amazing yogurt delight found only in NY and California)
little italy
chelsea
washington square
grand central station
central park
metropolitan museum
new york cheese cake
sidewalk cafe coffee on a rainy afternoon
honking taxis
FRIENDLY HELPFUL new yorkers
awesome amateur musicians in the subway stations
the subway the subway the subway
walking walking walking

that said, i had returned from albuquerque and sydney's beautiful service and worked for only 2 days before leaving to go to new york. it was a quick, hurried wonderful trip. but as soon as i got settled in my seat on the plane my thoughts became centered once again on my daughter and her family and little sydney. the escape made me feel guilty because i know my daughter can never escape since it is with her and it is her. it still hurts and there are still no words. there is nothing - not even a five day mission trip to an exciting, thrilling new york city - that can ever, ever fill that hole in my heart.

Little One, Hold My Hand

for Sydney Grace

Little one, hold my hand.
Show me all the wonders that you see;
Help me feel His loving touch,
Lead me gently to His feet;

Little one, hold my hand,
Guide me as I seek to learn
How to do what He wants of me;
Be my sweet angel leading me.

Little one, hold my hand,
Come at night and whisper in my ear
Of the glorious things that you now know,
Safely resting in His arms..

Little one, hold my hand.
Sit beside me as I weep;
Dry my tears with gentle breath,
A breeze that softly touches cheek.

Little one, hold my hand,
Angel fingers entwined in mine;
Pull me gently closer still
To live in Him in every hour.

Little one, hold my hand,
He will help you teach me how
To be a better person now,
Change me with His love you bring.

Little one, hold my hand,
I need to feel your presence here;
I'll try not to hold too tight,
For I know I'm not the only one.

Little one, hold my hand,
Snuggle with me in my dreams
And sing a joyful song to me;
I'll listen and i'll sing with you.

Little one, hold my hand,
Until the day when I come home
And then we'll dance and never tire
And play at Jesus feet again.

Ode to Ellaiden...with or without hair....

Sung to the tune of
"Oh My Darling Clementine"

Alopecia, alopecia,
You just appeared one day,
You are sneaky,
You came so quickly
I don't quite know what to say.

But guess what, oh alopecia
You won't get her
No, no, no.....
Alopecia, you can't change her,
It's not her hair that makes her glow..

It's her laughter and her busyness
And the way she never slows,
It's the way her brown eyes twinkle,
Besides, she really hates hairbows.

She is clever and so curious
Loves to shop for a pretty frock,
I can teach her 'bout scarves and hats
We'll coordinate with birkenstocks.

Alopecia, alopecia
You can leave just any time;
But if you stay, you'll be dismayed
'Cause hair or not she'll be just fine.



(google if you don't know what alopecia is)

ok, so don't ever sit down and start blogging at 4am in the morning when you haven't been to sleep yet. your fingernails will peel back and words you don't want to say will ooze from inside the nail bed, slip into the laptop keys and splatter onto your monitor. then, when you have to get up at 7 to get to work you don't have time to delete the post(s). some things are better left embedded in the gray matter between your ears. cutting 120 pieces of laminated artwork at school today kept me awake.



today: chris f, lisa, kendra and carol t. thank you.

earthquake

"writer nancy moos points out that grief does not occur in isolation and that is is necessary to work through grief from the viewpoint of family dynamics. she states that the interaction and communication patterns between family members may be disrupted by death. roles within the family shift or change, sometimes permanently." earthquake.

in the last five months.......

10 dozen batches of sausage balls

5 dozen batches of olive cheese balls

5 batches of brownies

2 rum cakes

1 oreo 'dirt' cake with gummy worms

3 dozen martha washington balls

3 batches of pralines

4 batches of chocolate chip cookies

"thanks just the same, but do you bake EVERY night" they ask.

"pretty much......what else can i do for you? i can't stop. it's all i've got. and besides, you all are here. so take advantage of it. "

ellaiden's visit to dallas....

more pics of ellaiden in dallas....went to target, blew bubbles, jingled the garden chimes, took baths and watched some tv with papa after work....(sorry i don't know how to turn the pictures the right way)

keeping miss e......

we kept ellaiden for a week to give chris and jenny a little break (little because they still had 'little' soren with them); we had a ball with miss e and she even went to school with me one day to visit. they've just discovered that ellaiden has alopecia aerata, the hair loss disease. hopefully it will be a one-time hair loss (her father, chris, lost a lot of his hair at about the same age and it all came back and he never lost it again. ). i have read that male pattern baldness is also a form of alopecia and my dad had early balding and chris is having some early thinning and receding hairlines. there can be a genetic connection so maybe this is it for ellaiden and it will all grow back. if not....if she loses it all.....i will shave my head in concert with her. and if you don't think i will then you don't really know me.