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i cried for sydney grace today......

"losing your life" (from the o'brien family)

read these words of a woman who lost a newbornbaby last year. she counseled ANOTHER grieving mother: "Your son has given you an incredible gift," I told this grieving mom. "He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams. But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus."

now go to her blog and read the november 14th post. it is uplifting!

http://obrienfamily2008.blogspot.com/

testing 1.2.3.....

hope in Him. not in circumstances..............

hope differently.............................................

hope differently.............................................

hope differently.....

kind of ironic. but not so. my turn to teach yesterday. the lesson was about....hope. hmm....

so the angel comes to mary and tells her she is pregnant with the messiah. we talked about engagements and weddings. all the planning and scheduling. the jewish traditions in biblical times. i even brought my engagement notice that was in the local newspaper 37 years ago - complete with 70's poofy hair-flip. we all agreed that mary's life took an unexpected turn. was she giddy with excitement - jumping for joy? did people come up and high-five her and slap her on the back and say "so, YOU'RE the one pregnant with the messiah? way to go, mary!". hardly.

and what was mary's response? "i'm your servant, Lord."

even though mary's plans changed drastically - even though everything about her life and the direction it was going to take was completely out of her control - her response was "i'm your servant, Lord". basically, the lesson was about mary exchanging her hopes and expectations for hope in HIM. i asked the students if they had had disappointing christmases - christmases when their hopes and expectations were not met. i expected and got a couple of typical responses. "i ran downstairs and saw a bicycle and was so excited until i was told it wasn't for me but for my sister" or "i desperately wanted a motorized pink barbie car but my mom told me it wouldn't fit down the chimney. then i went outside and the little girl who lived next door had a barbie car that fit down HER chimney!"

but the first response came from a young lady who, in a strong voice, told us that one christmas a few years back she found out on christmas day that her father, who lived in another state, had died 2 days before. her mother had kept it from her and her sister but when they begged to call him after opening presents, their mom broke the news to them. talk about unmet expectations.

i thought about some of my own 'barbie cars" and "bicycles". my hopes had always been that our adult children would live in the same town and grandchildren would have weekly sleepovers at our house and go to the same church and can you say "goodnight, johnboy"? my expectations recently had been that my adult children would continue to be interested in any little jewel of conversation i would toss out, that they would desperately covet the opportunity to view MY travel pictures, and that they would continue to revel in late-night talks about sports, politics and just life in general. after keeping our one and two-year-old granddaughters during this thanksgiving i came to the sudden realization that THEIR focus could not/should not be ME! imagine! they are tired, but happy, and parenting and working requires all the energy and attention that they can muster 24/7.

so, as the lesson progressed and i glanced at the clock to make sure we finshed up in a timely manner, i casually called attention to the calendar date and the fact that it was the one year anniversary of.......

the students sat silently, waiting, curious as my voice shook and my eyes watered. not planned. totally caught off-guard. this new group of students WAS not aware of the last year's struggles and, while i didn't want to belabor our own situation, i thought it was relevant enough to touch on. i told the story briefly and then, with a passion i have never recognized, i pounded my fist on the podium and in a strong voice asked the students if they were ready to "exchange" any hope they had in their life for hope in HIM. exchanging hope for a desired christmas present paled in comparison to exchanging hope for healing cancer in a parent, hope for a call from an estranged father or even hope for an uneventful pregnancy, a safe delivery and a healthy baby. hope in something/Someone BIGGER rather than hope in their circumstances.

the curriculum itself spelled out the main points. pertinent scripture was assigned and read by willing students. i researched and contributed relevant information about biblical jewish customs and traditions. and i was in awe throughout the sunday school hour that God knew that i would be teaching this lesson on this particular sunday even after a tiring week with babies and a melancholy goodbye early that very morning as my son and his family backed out of the driveway and headed home.

i had so hoped to be with alyssa on this particular day. but it didn't work out that way. God.

after the sunday school hour, in "big church" as i knealt at the altar as close to the LOUD, powerful worship music as i could get and prayed for alyssa and the students in my class i got it. i taught it and i got it.

exchange your hopes for hopes in Him. hope differently.

some things change....a repeat post....

i haven't written in a while. it's been hard. i've come to my blog often in the last month. i think about things i want to say and then just put it away for another day. i don't know how to put it all into words. i read other blogs; not as often as before. just an occasional check-in. lives are changing. good things and not so good things. life goes on.

one thing i notice is that most of the comments on these blogs are from friends - not grandmothers or mother-in-laws or mothers. i wonder if these family members share their thoughts and offer encouragement through emails or chatty phone calls. i wonder if they are successful in being a rock - a constant source of strength - for their son or daughter or grandchild who is wading through a crisis. or do they find themselves speechless. silently prayerful but lacking words to offer?

our church is doing a program called "40 days of prayer". my "fast" during this time is from the radio in my car. it is amazing that the minute i get in the car to go to work or climb in the car to come home after work the first thing i do is reach for the radio power button. i've been driving in silence. and i begin to pray. i pray for friends and friends of friends but my thoughts always wander back to my daughter. it is a sad confession on my part that i believe the radio and television and internet has protected me from dwelling on her situation and from thinking about her as often as i might.

the doctors say it is okay for them to try again. he says the outcome might be the same as it was with sydney grace. he "says" he can take care of her but they must be prepared for the possibility of another abruption and loss. i can't allow myself to think about what might be so i try not to think at all. i worry about her health and safety - i worry about that GREATLY. i worry about her mental state if she looses another baby. and i find that when these thoughts enter my mind, i just try so very hard to block them out.

i read her blog and love the life she has with her friends and church family. she is truly blessed. liam has a world full of close little friends with whom he shares birthdays, holidays, traditions and happy times. so i can't quite understand why it makes me a little sad unless it is that i miss her and him and being able to share those things and that life.

as our pastor preaches about prayer he reminds us that we are to pray TO the Father, IN the name of His Son, and with the GUIDANCE of the Holy Spirit. i am trying to understand why we aren't to view God as a prosperity Father - one who simply gives us what we ask for even though He says to ask and he will give. i don't want to pray in MY name for what I want - our pastor says we often do just that. if i were to do that this is what MY prayer would look like:

please let my daughter get pregnant again and have an uneventful pregnancy. i might even ask that she NOT have gestational diabetes and NOT have gestational hypertension and NOT have an abruption. i would ask for an easy delivery and a healthy baby. (i might even ask for a girl although sydney grace was the first girl in the byrd family in 60 years- is that really correct?). oh, and while you're at it, make their financial situation stress-free and stable as well.

so, in praying for those things, i am praying for what I WANT and in MY name. it is SO hard for me to pray for God's will to be done. because i can't understand why His will should be so different than mine. after all, the things I WANT for her aren't bad things, right? when our kids were driving back and forth from college i prayed mightily for their safety while on the highway. and lo and behold! they ALWAYS made it safely home! just because of my prayers! wow, certainly was making myself BIGGER than God, wasn't I? naive of me.

so i still struggle with prayer - and while i know God is always in our presence and that through prayer he wants us to be in HIS presence - i still have a hard time understanding prayer. why do i feel LESS protected? as i leave for bulgaria for 10 days, i am more fearful. my husband said at the prayer hour this morning the men were to pray for their wives. he emailed me today from work and said "so your trip is covered." sweet BUT....only if it is God's will.

the year anniversary is approaching for her. i know it will be difficult. i KNOW it will. it is so strange that as her mother, it is as if i am waiting for that phone call again. the call that a baby will be here shortly. then barely an hour later the call that shattered their lives. remembering those dark, bleak days, i am praying that God miraculously gives them peace and calm as november 30th approaches. i am anticipating it and praying for her and i wish i could be with her and i wish i had the words and the knowledge and the right thing to say - i wish i could carve pumpkins with her and liam and do all those things that make life seem normal - hours full of laughter and joking - things that make you forget for just a few minutes.

as i read emily's blog and rachel's blog and angie's blog and sumi's blog and all the others i am aware that it is their friends who have the right words and the special comments that are so so helpful to these young women who are struggling - these women who, themselves, have such a positive outlook in the midst of their struggles. a friend of mine told me that i just have to consider that they are speaking FOR me - at a time when i don't have the words.

i don't know the relationship these women have with their mothers. i don't know if theirs is an in-and-out-of-town relationship like ours or if there is a constant - an every day connection that is a source of comfort and strength. i guess i just have to realize that God knows my heart and the Holy Spirit is evidenced in the tears that spill down my face on the altar on sunday mornings and that is all i can offer.

i wish it was more.

thinking of her always.....

Little One, Hold My Hand
for Sydney Grace

Little one, hold my hand.
Show me all the wonders that you see;
Help me feel His loving touch,
Lead me gently to His feet;

Little one, hold my hand,
Guide me as I seek to learn
How to do what He wants of me;
Be my sweet angel leading me.

Little one, hold my hand,
Come at night and whisper in my ear
Of the glorious things that you now know,
Safely resting in His arms..

Little one, hold my hand.
Sit beside me as I weep;
Dry my tears with gentle breath,
A breeze that softly touches cheek.

Little one, hold my hand,
Angel fingers entwined in mine;
Pull me gently closer still
To live in Him in every hour.

Little one, hold my hand,
He will help you teach me how
To be a better person now,
Change me with His love you bring.

Little one, hold my hand,
I need to feel your presence here;
I'll try not to hold too tight,
For I know I'm not the only one.

Little one, hold my hand,
Snuggle with me in my dreams
And sing a joyful song to me;
I'll listen and i'll sing with you.

Little one, hold my hand,
Until the day when I come home
And then we'll dance and never tire
And play at Jesus feet again.

going to bulgaria in october. it can't come soon enough!