new blog site: gutterfloating.blogspot.com

He knows.

well, here i go again. another attempt at returning to the blogging world. i'm not sure how much i have to say. oh, i have much to say. and a longing to say it - to work through it. but for personal reasons, i am not able to put it all out here in print and work through it for healing and understanding. i am fortunate, though, to realize that God knows my struggles and my heart and He listens to words unspoken or unwritten.

successful visit to the dentist for liam. 3rd birthday party for ellaiden in april.

it's not all in vain...

i got permission from a friend to post this poem - written by a grandfather who's beautiful three-year-old granddaughter drowned a year ago (sumijoti.wordpress.com). it touched my heart. i KNOW it will touch yours. please keep this precious family in your prayers.






A year has passed, a year of pain

Is it all in vain?

Jenna’s limp and lifeless body on my lap

I kissed her forehead and gave her back.

Jesus, why allow this to be?

Tonight he revealed this to me:

“The pain you feel is what you share of

My life I gave for you and her.”

Lord, let it be.

I am content in Thee.

Leon 23 March 2009. 00h25

not one minute to spare.....

and then....the horrible plane crash in montana. a man and woman lost 2 of their 3 daughters, 2 son-in-laws and 5 grandchildren. i can't imagine.

natasha richardson.....a freak ski accident. natasha richardson's sons and husband never imagined that she would snap on her skis to play on the slopes, admitting that she hated skiing but did it to be with family, and by the end of the day her voice would be silenced.

in a minute things that are so right can go so wrong. we should not take one minute for granted.

our grown son says he is having a hard time remembering his grandfather's voice. our son was 6 when his grandfather died. he didn't have a lot of years to mentally record that soft, gentle voice. it saddens me when family or friends are estranged. for if you don't spend the time that you have HEARING the voices of your family members, you will quickly forget what they sound like when they are gone.

maybe that is what our relationship should look like with God. if we don't spend time with Him - as much time as we can - we will begin to forget what He 'sounds' like and there will come a time when we will no longer "hear' His voice. and we will have a hard time remembering His voice.

fleeting....

does a mother's heart ever stop hurting for her children? it seems not. i am thinking so much of alyssa these days. it seems that so many of her friends who have experienced the loss of a baby are pregnant and happily, if not a little fearfully, looking forward to welcoming a new addition to their families. they have had showers and decorated nurseries and ordered birth announcements - grateful that these pregnancies have gone forth without a hitch - without a negative test result or the devastating, unsuspecting words from their doctors that something is terribly wrong. they have held their breath and then gradually allowed themselves to hope and believe and embrace that which was so fleeting a year or two years or perhaps several months ago.

for alyssa it will be so different. there will be no ultrasound or doctor's appointment after which she will breathe a sigh of relief. for all of her doctor's visits were normal. every examination, every 3-D picture indicated a healthy, beautiful baby who was growing and thriving right on schedule, nestled safely within her womb. even up until the last night when alyssa handed out invitations to her baby shower at her bible study, sydney was active and kicking - a healthy 8 month fetus. the doctors examination and ultrasound of only 48 hours earlier detected no problems - only a beautiful baby who looked just like her big brother.

so, if she is fortunate enough to become pregnant again, she will be as guarded and as anxious as all of her friends have been. but i think it will be hard for her to consider names or wall hangings or baby clothes - or perhaps even showers given by well-meaning friends. because even when things seem to be going absolutely right, things can go so very wrong so very quickly.

i don't know how she will do it. but if God gives her the chance, i know she will try. because her hope is not based on what she so desperately desires but on what He desires for her.

but i am.....

fearfully and wonderfully made. the times i don't feel like i am, i KNOW i am :)