i haven't written in a while. it's been hard. i've come to my blog often in the last month. i think about things i want to say and then just put it away for another day. i don't know how to put it all into words. i read other blogs; not as often as before. just an occasional check-in. lives are changing. good things and not so good things. life goes on.
one thing i notice is that most of the comments on these blogs are from friends - not grandmothers or mother-in-laws or mothers. i wonder if these family members share their thoughts and offer encouragement through emails or chatty phone calls. i wonder if they are successful in being a rock - a constant source of strength - for their son or daughter or grandchild who is wading through a crisis. or do they find themselves speechless. silently prayerful but lacking words to offer?
our church is doing a program called "40 days of prayer". my "fast" during this time is from the radio in my car. it is amazing that the minute i get in the car to go to work or climb in the car to come home after work the first thing i do is reach for the radio power button. i've been driving in silence. and i begin to pray. i pray for friends and friends of friends but my thoughts always wander back to my daughter. it is a sad confession on my part that i believe the radio and television and internet has protected me from dwelling on her situation and from thinking about her as often as i might.
the doctors say it is okay for them to try again. he says the outcome might be the same as it was with sydney grace. he "says" he can take care of her but they must be prepared for the possibility of another abruption and loss. i can't allow myself to think about what might be so i try not to think at all. i worry about her health and safety - i worry about that GREATLY. i worry about her mental state if she looses another baby. and i find that when these thoughts enter my mind, i just try so very hard to block them out.
i read her blog and love the life she has with her friends and church family. she is truly blessed. liam has a world full of close little friends with whom he shares birthdays, holidays, traditions and happy times. so i can't quite understand why it makes me a little sad unless it is that i miss her and him and being able to share those things and that life.
as our pastor preaches about prayer he reminds us that we are to pray TO the Father, IN the name of His Son, and with the GUIDANCE of the Holy Spirit. i am trying to understand why we aren't to view God as a prosperity Father - one who simply gives us what we ask for even though He says to ask and he will give. i don't want to pray in MY name for what I want - our pastor says we often do just that. if i were to do that this is what MY prayer would look like:
please let my daughter get pregnant again and have an uneventful pregnancy. i might even ask that she NOT have gestational diabetes and NOT have gestational hypertension and NOT have an abruption. i would ask for an easy delivery and a healthy baby. (i might even ask for a girl although sydney grace was the first girl in the byrd family in 60 years- is that really correct?). oh, and while you're at it, make their financial situation stress-free and stable as well.
so, in praying for those things, i am praying for what I WANT and in MY name. it is SO hard for me to pray for God's will to be done. because i can't understand why His will should be so different than mine. after all, the things I WANT for her aren't bad things, right? when our kids were driving back and forth from college i prayed mightily for their safety while on the highway. and lo and behold! they ALWAYS made it safely home! just because of my prayers! wow, certainly was making myself BIGGER than God, wasn't I? naive of me.
so i still struggle with prayer - and while i know God is always in our presence and that through prayer he wants us to be in HIS presence - i still have a hard time understanding prayer. why do i feel LESS protected? as i leave for bulgaria for 10 days, i am more fearful. my husband said at the prayer hour this morning the men were to pray for their wives. he emailed me today from work and said "so your trip is covered." sweet BUT....only if it is God's will.
the year anniversary is approaching for her. i know it will be difficult. i KNOW it will. it is so strange that as her mother, it is as if i am waiting for that phone call again. the call that a baby will be here shortly. then barely an hour later the call that shattered their lives. remembering those dark, bleak days, i am praying that God miraculously gives them peace and calm as november 30th approaches. i am anticipating it and praying for her and i wish i could be with her and i wish i had the words and the knowledge and the right thing to say - i wish i could carve pumpkins with her and liam and do all those things that make life seem normal - hours full of laughter and joking - things that make you forget for just a few minutes.
as i read emily's blog and rachel's blog and angie's blog and sumi's blog and all the others i am aware that it is their friends who have the right words and the special comments that are so so helpful to these young women who are struggling - these women who, themselves, have such a positive outlook in the midst of their struggles. a friend of mine told me that i just have to consider that they are speaking FOR me - at a time when i don't have the words.
i don't know the relationship these women have with their mothers. i don't know if theirs is an in-and-out-of-town relationship like ours or if there is a constant - an every day connection that is a source of comfort and strength. i guess i just have to realize that God knows my heart and the Holy Spirit is evidenced in the tears that spill down my face on the altar on sunday mornings and that is all i can offer.
i wish it was more.
